Trigger warning: Suicide

January 11th, 2021 I was 3 months postpartum and sent this text message to my friend Sam.  After this conversation Sam never quit texting me until I had contacted my midwife and told her I needed help.  I shared a very vague account of what happened a couple months ago, but today I want to tell you some details in hopes that it will help others  reach out or to be the friend who doesn’t quit texting.

I had a plan for postpartum this round and I wanted to have plenty of support.  I picked the midwife who had the most postpartum visits, the lowest patient load and the most focus on postpartum. I had an existing relationship with a counselor and I hired a postpartum doula. I even made a promise I would accept all offers of help and didn’t shy away from stating my needs.

Then around 6 weeks my postpartum visits with my midwife came to an end and my other support found themselves one by one facing quarantine.  Some of them were positive for covid while most had possible exposure and we had to play it safe.  Things started to go down hill. I noticed the familiar ache of depression coming on. I started leaning heavy into some supplements, tinctures and Homeopathy that had helped friends and in the past.

Around the first of January my husband found out that he would be facing some long days due to an unexpected workload.  So there I was, 3 months postpartum trying to fight off depression and isolated alone at home with 3 kids (6,2 & infant).  There was a 2 week period where nobody laid eyes on me except my children.  My poor children bore the entire load of my breakdown.  For that I will always be regretful.

Why didn’t I reach out sooner? Shame.  Embarrassment.  There was also this mute button that got hit every time I tried to say the words, “I want to die” to anyone. I couldn’t say it.  I hated I was thinking it.  I and my family have been devastated by the loss of loved ones due to suicide and my greatest fear had always been to leave my children.  How could I be thinking these things?  Nonetheless, I was. 

I thought about the easiest way to kill myself and how to make sure my kids didn’t fine me.  I would lay in bed at night and cry whispering under my breathe,  “I want to die.  Please let me die”.  Yet when I tried to text the words to anyone, I froze.  When my husband came in each night late and fell into his recliner just to pass out from exhaustion I would tell myself to walk in there and just say, “I need help.  I’m afraid I’ll kill myself If I’m alone any longer”.   I couldn’t.  I couldn’t make my feet move.  I couldn’t make my mouth open.

It was the text that saved my life on January 11th. That day after blacking out alone with my kids I curled up on the kitchen floor and I cried, “Someone help me.  I just want to die.  I can’t do this anymore”. My children alone watching this unfold. Scared.

Thankfully I text Sam and told her just enough to send red flags up.  Shortly after this It still took days for me to contacted my midwife, but when I did I was half. I didn’t have to answer too many questions or go into details. I started an antidepressant Wellbutrin.  I was able to take it and continue to breastfeed. I was fortunate that the first medication I tried worked and I have said it before and I’ll say it again, Wellbutrin saved my life.

So here it is.  My story in yall its rawness.  I hope that by putting this out into the world it would help one person send the text or perhaps be the friend who takes it seriously.

in the comments: How has depression affected your life? What would you say to anyone suffering?

if you or someone you love is experiencing postpartum mood disorders such as depression, rage or anxiety please encourage them to contact their care provider. You can find additional resources through Postpartum.net.